February 2005
You are currently browsing the articles from United By Yucca written in the month of February 2005.
When the king of dumb, Eamonn Holmes, accuses GMTV of ‘dumbing down’ and of being ‘ too formulaic’, you know that our TV has reached a new low.
I caught five minutes of GMT this morning, after I’d had enough of watching the bizarre spectacle of Dermot Murnaghan and Natasha Kaplinsky saying alternate sentences in every intro they read to camera (you have to see this to believe it - it’s the breakfast news equivalent of matching anoraks). I was staggered to see the large moon faced ‘entertainment’ presenter prancing around the house where William Shakespeare was born saying things like, “Shakespeare wrote famous plays like The Final Countdown, Let Me Entertain You…” and so on.
 |
|
 |
| Natasha Kaplinsky, loves to… |
|
|
|
…Finish Dermot off |
I am not a Shakespeare snob (in truth, I haven’t read any since school), but this TV presenter was positively revelling in his ignorance. The viewer is invited to collude with him in his stupidity, to beat up the school swots who go around brazenly reading books, and, dare I say it knowing things other than which Z list Eastender actor is currently shagging who. Fear the person who knows things - Witch! Burn their books! Make them eat Microwave Chicken Tikka Sudan 1 Lasagne.
The presenter then read out the phone-in competition of the morning.
Question: Who was the star of Home Alone?
A - Macaulay Culkin
B - Leonardo D’Caprio
C - <insert third ludicrous answer here>
So, two things can be gleaned from this morning’s TV.
One: We, as a nation, appear to be rewarding stupid people - Either by giving them jobs on TV or by sending them to Spain for being able to text the letter A (yes the answer was Macaulay Culkin)
Two : The radio really is a much better bet in the mornings, unless Natasha and Dermot finally make the beast with two backs on the red sofa, before handing over to Moira for the headlines.
Written by exmonkey on February 28th, 2005 with no comments.
Read more articles on General.
I can now give you the benefit of my hard learnt advice.
Here are the two ways you can restore an antique cast iron fireplace.
Method 1:
1 - Appraise the fireplace. Take a good hard look. Image how much better it will look without those 3 layers of black gloss paint on. (remember this stage – we will be going back to it later on)
2 – Purchase a small bottle of Nitromors and a wire brush. Read the label – it says “Will eat through up to 15 layers of paint”. Wow 15 layers! Shame they don’t do an even smaller bottle.
3 – Carefully apply the Nitromors as directed. Pay scant heed to the warning about ventilation and taking a break every few minutes to minimize your contact to the fumes.
4 – Go and lie down in an effort to get rid of the fume related headache.
5 – Inspect the bubbling paint, apply more nitromors.
6 – Whilst excitedly anticipating the shiny metal beneath, use a wire brush to remove the Nitromors/paint goo.
7 – Apply Nitromors to the freshly revealed white gloss paint.
8 - Repeat steps 3 to 7 several times buying an ever larger bottle of Nitromors each time.
Second Weekend.
9 – Go and buy wire brush attachments for your electric drill.
10 – Start wearing down layer 12* with the different shaped wire brush attachments.
*this is the special paint applied in 1967, developed by NASA to be resistant to all paint strippers, especially Nitromors
11 – Borrow a drill from your neighbour to replace the burnt out one you were using earlier.
12 – Return the neighbour’s now burnt out drill.
Third Weekend
13 – Buy an angle grinder with a wire brush attachment.
14 – Stare in amazement at how quickly the remaining paint comes off.
15 – Buoyed by the success of the angle grinder, apply Nitromors to the bits it was unable to grind.
16 – Without waiting for the Nitromors to dry, use the angle grinder to attack the bits you missed.
17 – Without taking off your underwear, quickly get under the cold shower to wash the now burning Nitromors off you neck, sprayed there by the angle grinder.
Forth Weekend
18 – Re-Appraise the fireplace – it looked better before you started didn’t it.
19 – Paint the fireplace black with a heavy-duty gloss paint.
Method 2:
1 - Remove fireplace
2 - Take fireplace to a fireplace restorer
3 - Collect fireplace
4 - Re-fit fireplace, stand back, admire.
——————-
NEXT WEEK: Living with chemical burns
Written by exmonkey on February 26th, 2005 with 6 comments.
Read more articles on DIY.
Since when is a tracheostomy a ‘routine operation’? BBC News
But he will be unable to speak for a few days, Mr Navarro-Valls said.
OF COURSE HE’LL BE UNABLE SPEAK! HE’S GOT A FUCKING TUBE IN HIS TRACHEA.
Still it’s a miracle or something.
My take? He’s a bitter old man who was a well know womaniser in his youth and has become a well known women hating pope in his dotage. Did I mention he’s not too fond of gays, people who use contraception, divorce, unmarried couples and cats? (I made the cats bit up). Pope profile
It warms the heart to know that, if there is a God, and if he’s Catholic, he’s decided to heap a whole load of pain and misery on his main representative on earth… Makes you wonder what He has planned for JPs’ eternity. Maybe God is a gay divorcee?
Disclaimer: Any views expressed here about the pope are pretty acurate
Written by exmonkey on February 25th, 2005 with no comments.
Read more articles on General.
It is useful to have benchmarks.
I would like to suggest the image below should set the standard by which we rate/compare physical beauty.
 |
 |
|
An Absolute Low
|
Seperated at birth?
|
If looks were temperature - Margaret Beckett would represent absolute zero.
Now we have a baseline, it should be fairly simple to categorise all other people.
(BTW - this is not cruel it’s a Miracle Of Nature)
Written by exmonkey on February 24th, 2005 with no comments.
Read more articles on General.
I have decided that 3G phones are soon to be obsolete, probably.
I propose the next generation of phones, and I would like to register the name in the public domain.
I have thoroughly researched this, using the years of experience I have in reading newspapers, books and posters. Mostly posters actually.
I am going to call this new technology 4G.
If you have picked yourself up off the floor, allow me to explain the USP (unique selling point) of this exciting new technology that I have named.
First we had Dots (and Dashes - but dots are more cool), and this was good.
Sometime later, from the Dots came Text. And this made it easier for non-dot readers to understand.
Soon after Text came Voice and then Mobile Voice (mobile voice is just like voice, but can be used while on a train or whilst driving on a motorway). Now everyone could simply speak and no-one had to worry about Dots or Text.
After a long time and much talking (mostly on trains and travelling at 120mph on motorways) we took the next logical step and went back to Text, except this time we forgot about Spelling, which was a hindrance anyway and stood in the path of progress.
Most recently, 3G has given us the miracle of Video, which enables us to actually see our loved-one’s face as he/she ploughs into the back of the lorry that was only travelling at 70mph.
That was then.
Now 4G technology will give everyone access to Audio, Video, Text and WeatherTM. Soon people all over the world will be waking up to a new dawn in the communications industry.
Forget those dark days of having to ask your friend/family member what the weather is like there – by pressing the WeatherTM button you can treat them to a blast of arctic airTM, searing sunshineTM or toxic smogTM. As long as you’re outside.
Nokia, if you would like to contact me about this exciting new technology AND get the jump on those crappy Sony-Ericsson boys, you can contact me via this Blog.
Written by exmonkey on February 23rd, 2005 with no comments.
Read more articles on General.
I cannot take any credit for this:
B&Q letter
And neither can the blogger who posted it - made me laugh though.
Written by exmonkey on February 22nd, 2005 with no comments.
Read more articles on General.
It’s snowing.
It’s odd, I think, how much we like snow. Every year we get a few flakes, some years we get a good deep layer and yet it never fails to please.
.jpg)
Dodgy camera phone picture
This is a picture taken of the view from my window (a few moments ago) and yes, I’m inexplicably excited - even though I will probably have to catch the train tommorrow because snow and motorbikes don’t mix.
I don’t have anything funny to say about snow - I just like it. I hope that I never stop feeling excited when I see the first couple of flakes settle on the road.
Now where can you buy a sledge at this time of night?
(PS Snow covered yuccas coming soon!)
Written by exmonkey on February 21st, 2005 with 1 comment.
Read more articles on General.
I cant help noticing that there are a slew of new commercials aimed at men who want soft skin - or at least don’t want craggy flakey skin.
This is all fine, who wouldn’t want baby soft skin? I guess the problem I have is one of stereotypes or at least the assumptions that are made about men.
1 - Why is it necessary for advertisers to shout the product name at me?
“NIVEA Q10 EXTREME, FOR MEN! WHO WANT SOFT SKIN!”
2 - The men in question can only feel justified using these skin care products on the pretext that have just returned from all night bender.
3 - All these products (and if you don’t believe me look in Boots) have to be in blue packaging and contain some kind of blue cream - or, better yet A GEL. Apparently, men who might feel a bit squeamish using a girly cream, will feel much better if the beauty product is delivered in an alcohol based gel that stings like fuck when applied to a freshly shaved face. Maybe men secretly base the depth of their machismo on how much they look like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone in the now famous aftershave scene.
So, in conclusion, if you’re a man you want a blue gel, advertised by a shouty man. It should be in a blue tube and be called X100GT. Finally it should sting, really sting, when applied.
Written by exmonkey on February 20th, 2005 with no comments.
Read more articles on General.
I had to use the Belkin online support chat window just today. Very useful, they were able to tell me what I needed to know… but it was disturbingly like talking to The Hal 9000 from 2001 Space Odyssey.
Below is a little of the conversation (I have edited the conversation and changed my name to Dave and his name to The Hal 9000 for that authentic 2001 feel).
The Hal 9000: Hello, how may I help you?
The Hal 9000: Before we get started, may I have your first and last name, telephone number (with Country and area code) and E-mail Address for documentation please?
Me: Dave
The Hal 9000: Hi Dave,
The Hal 9000: May I have the model number of the Belkin product that you need assistance with?
Me: oh yes, F5d7010
The Hal 9000: Thank you for the information……
The Hal 9000: Dave, how may I help you with the product today?
Me: hi - just a very quick question…
Me: I currently use this card with a winxp laptop - before I take it home and try using it on my Mac OSX TiBook, will it work?
The Hal 9000: Dave, I understand that you need information whether the card 7010 works on Mac..
The Hal 9000: Am I right Dave?
Me: yes
The Hal 9000: The card comes in three versions 1,2 and 3
Me: go on
The Hal 9000: The version 1 and 2 can be installed using the airport installer and it should be the latest version…
Me: ok thanks - btw, you’re not an automated system are you?
The Hal 9000: I’m head to foot a human, Dave.
Me: good for you.
Me: thanks for your help
The Hal 9000: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: No, you’ve been very helpful. Thanks.
The Hal 9000: Have a nice day…:)
The Hal 9000: Bye Dave.
Notice the way ‘he’ replies to the question about whether he is human or not… Just like a deranged super computer would.
It could have ended with me asking The Hal 9000 to open the airlock door only to hear “I’m sorry Dave, I cannot do that.”, but it didn’t.
Written by exmonkey on February 18th, 2005 with no comments.
Read more articles on General.
Has the world gone mad? Philips Home Defibrillator
Ah no - just the yanks.
Written by exmonkey on February 17th, 2005 with no comments.
Read more articles on General.
« Older articles
No newer articles
feedburner
