July 2006
You are currently browsing the articles from United By Yucca written in the month of July 2006.
I was trying to think of a witty title. You know the sort of thing - “The forth estate…”, “Agent of destruction.”, “Estate agents are all cunts…”. I gave up and just typed in “Estate Agents”, because they name itself conjures up such feelings of resentment and hatred there was nothing I could do to add any extra emotion or feeling. To append extra description would be like shining a turd.
If I was and estate agent, however, I may try an embellish the title. I may infact try and embellish it to the point where it stops being a title and becomes, say, a boat.
We are looking at houses at the moment (to buy - not because we are sad house watchers or something), and we went to see three properties near Sevenoaks.
I won’t bore you with the details - all three were unsuitable for various reasons. The thing that will stay with me though, is the estate agent woman.
Now, we’ve seen a few properties over the last few months and have therefore met a few estate agents. Oddly, all the agents who do the viewings are women, and most of the agents who answer the phones in the offices are men. Anyway, the women who show us round the houses are always one of two types.
Type 1: 21 year old, bored pretty girl with absolutely no interest in either you or the property. They are just counting down the seconds until Dan or Steve comes round in their Citroen AX with (big sounds and neons, natch) and whisks them away to ‘Roxies’ or ‘Flamingos’ or what ever the local club is called. Type ones will eventually turn into…
Type 2: Leathery, mid menopausal women with thick makeup, a packet of Berkley’s Menthol in a leather cigarette box cover (that they bought in the Canaries) driving small open top sports cars. They always sound the same and their sad clown -ike kohl encrusted eyes are the only part of their yellowy face that reveals the fact that they are a) lying and b) hate you.
We were shown around the three houses by a classic type 2.
What made my day was the most outrageous bit of positive reframing I have ever heard.
We walked through the house (which, by the way was horrible – teapots on every shelf, and the stench of emphysema and cheap fags). We opened the patio does and stepped out into the garden.
The first thing that struck me was the noise of the M25 at the end of the garden. It was really quite loud and, to be frank, AT THE END OF THE GARDEN.
I said to the agent – “The first thing that strikes me is…”
She jumped in; “Yes, I know… I realize the garden is very small”
I was a bit taken aback. Above the constant traffic roar I said, “No, the M25 is what I noticed first.”
Pointing at a distant hill she said, “That’s not the M25, it’s Beggars Lane – the M25 is way over there.”
I tried to argue the point, but gave up. Here’s the good bit though.
She went on to explain that you can hear the M25 everywhere in Westerham, and that people just get used to it and that once people move to Westerham, they never want to leave.
She then said, “I’d much rather live in Westerham that next to an airport runway.”
So there you have it. Live in Westerham. It’s a lot quieter than living at the end of runway 2 at Heathrow airport.
The people of Westerham can’t leave. No one would be stupid enough to buy their houses.
Written by exmonkey on July 23rd, 2006 with 2 comments.
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Now, anyone who knows me will probably have endured one of my many rants about sustainability, recycling, needless power consumption, road congestion etc. Let’s just say, I think that our western habit of ruthless and uncompromising consumption in the name or economic growth and so called personal choice is something that constantly annoys and worries me (in equal parts).
There are some things about my lifestyle choices (my vegetarianism, microwave phobia etc) that I tend not to lecture people about – although when pushed will often find myself soap boxing before I realise it (this normally follows the weekly occurrence of a meat eater asking me why I don’t eat meat when I am prepared to wear leather shoes. These people deliver their killer argument and then sit back smugly, presumably waiting for me to renounce my vegetarianism and go and tuck into a veal kebab in the face of such inescapable logic).
There are some things, however, that I feel people should change about the way they live their lives – mainly because it affects me. This list of things includes;
• Trying to kill me with cars
• Not recycling rubbish (why not? It’s so easy in Lewisham – they even provide a green box and collect it from you doorstep – not sorting your rubbish is like littering)
• Smoking in restaurants and bars and
• Carol Vordeman
So it won’t come as any surprise to find out that I am a little worried at the effect of humanity’s activities on climate change.
The BBC are running an experiment to predict the effects of climate change using a network of home PC’s (a little like the SETI program you can download). Users install the application onto their computers and when they are not using their machines (mostly at night) the application runs endless variations of climate change data, displaying some nice graphics on the screen while it does so. The results are then uploaded to some central computer that then does all kinds of statistical analysis on the collated results.
Early data indicates that, yes, by using huge amounts of fossil fuels, human beings are going to increase the temperature of the planet from between 2 to 10 degrees over the next 200 years. The Greenland ice sheet will melt and the earth fill become a bit like that crappy movie with Kevin Costner in it. And not the one where he pretends to be an Native American.
Here’s my problem with this.
Surely, by running this application on our otherwise turned off computers, are we not making things worse? Does the climate change software actually account for the extra CO2 produced when powering all these extra PCs? And if it does account for the extra fossil fuel effect, won’t that just create a feedback loop that will make the computers work even harder trying to incorporate the extra data from the effect they are having on the situation, until the computers themselves become the single biggest polluters simply from the extra processor power required to calculate their effect?
My advice to the BBC: Get people to download an application that turns off the PC when it isn’t being used, displaying a shut down message saying: “Now go and take your TV and Video off standby.”
Written by exmonkey on July 17th, 2006 with 8 comments.
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These are very funny.
Star wars with bunnies
Highlander with bunnies
Pulp fiction. Yes, with bunnies
There are loads more on the site - they work best if you know the film in question well.
Written by exmonkey on July 7th, 2006 with 2 comments.
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I finally got a reply from a real person at O2.
Dear Marc,
Thank you for taking the time to email us.
I would like to apologise for the number of emails you have been sent with regards to this query. I am aware that some of these emails have been irrelevant to your original email; I can assure you that I will feed this back to the advisors in question.
As previously stated I would like to thank you for taking time to provide us with Website feedback and will pass this on. We have recently updated our website, I can only apologise if you feel this has not improved matters. We have also received very positive feedback regarding the update from other customers. As you can appreiciate it is hard to satisfy all customers the same, which is why we are glad to hear of areas for improvement.
Should you require, I can arrange for a paper bill to be sent to you free of charge every month. I understand this is not a perfect solution to your problem, I am however, trying to negotiate a ‘happy medium’ with you in an attempt to improve your satisfaction with O2.
Thank you for contacting O2 Online Business Customer Service.
Kind regards,
Gemma White
I can feel that this relationship may be nearing it’s natural end….
Hi Gemma,
Thanks for your offer to send me paper bills; I never had problem getting the bills form the website. I was simply frustrated by the lack of thought that has gone into your site.
You say that you have updated the site. Yes you have updated the front of the site - but a few clicks in and the old site is lurking just beneath the new skin – so functionally nothing has changed.
I suppose I just wanted to achieve a level of ‘real’ dialogue with O2 customer services rather than receiving standard responses.
I have become seriously frustrated with the way in which customer service has become simply a marketing tool, measured by how many emails, complaints and lost calls in call centre queues, rather than a genuine desire by the company to provide a high level of service to your clients.
I run a small company, and we pride ourselves on our ability to respond personally to all of our clients in an individual manner. I think the number of standardized emails (which seem to me to have come from some kind of outsourced support centre in the Indian subcontinent) that went back and forth before you finally wrote a ‘real’ one is indicative of the corporate attitude to service.
I don’t blame you or any of the automatons who reply to customer queries, I think that it’s just the way the corporate world has gone. I do, however, think that there will be a backlash against companies such as yourselves and your business will ultimately suffer.
O2 should be proactive. They have an opportunity to address their poor customer service record and actually start dealing with their customers in the way that your adverts already claim to. O2 need to stop thinking of service as being a number and start thinking of it as being the public face of your business.
All that said, I’m sure someone will now write back to me explaining how to empty my cache or something. And I am certain that this email will never get further than your desk.
Feel free to prove me wrong.
Regards
Marc
Written by exmonkey on July 7th, 2006 with 1 comment.
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Following on from Giles’ alternative highway code… here is my handy phrase translation for commonly used hospital clichés.
:: He’s a fighter = He’s going to take a long time to die.
:: He’s had a quiet night = We had to call a porter to come and hold him down while we cleaned him up after his 5th bout of faecal incontinence
:: He has a very supportive family = His nasty chav family constantly create problems and will no doubt sue when he finally dies form an MRSA infection that they, or their pitbull probably bought in.
:: He died peacefully = He took 5 hours to die in screaming agony, during which time what little dignity he had left was painfully stripped away.
:: We’ve done everything we can = We need the bed for another smoker with a chest infection
:: Would you like to help with his care? = We only have 1 trained nurse and 2 NVQ level 2 auxiliaries, so if you want your father to get washed this week, you may want to do it yourself. Like they do in Greece.
Written by exmonkey on July 6th, 2006 with no comments.
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Do you think that TV’s Davina McCall told her mother that she was filming an advert when she phoned her up to ‘chat’ about hair colouring?
I will be forwarding this observation to equity, as I’m not sure that the failed chatshow host’s mother is a member.
Davina’s stalker’s website
Written by exmonkey on July 5th, 2006 with 2 comments.
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Dear Marc,
Thank you for contacting O2 Online Business Customer Service.
I am sorry for any inconvenience that may have been caused to you.
We try our level best to provide you with the relevant responses. Your previous emails do not contain any queries other than the feedback regarding our website. If you have any problems related to our website, please email us back with the problems you are experiencing. We will then be able to assist you in a better way.
If you need any more help, please reply to this email or visit our online help service at http://www.o2.co.uk/help
Kind regards,
Manisha Sharma
O2 Customer Service
.
.
.
Dear O2,
Actually if you actually take time to read my emails, you’ll see that many of my comments are about the fact that you don’t seem to read my emails.
Marc
PS Are you REALLY sorry for all the inconvenience you may have caused me? Or is it an automated header attached to every mail sent?
Written by exmonkey on July 4th, 2006 with no comments.
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The latest from O2 - this time Garima Sobti presses the button on the empty email writing machine.
Dear Marc,
Thank you for contacting O2 Online Business Customer Service.
We appreciate all the feedbacks provided by you in our recent emails.
If you are having problems related to our website service, please email us mentioning your problem and we will then be able to assist you.
For further assistance, please contact our Customer service team on 08009 777 027. They will transfer your call to our Data Support team who will be able to assist you in this matter.
If you need any more help, please reply to this email or visit our online help service at http://www.o2.co.uk/help
Kind regards,
Garima Sobti
O2 Customer Service.
My reply….
Dear Garima,
Thank you for contacting me regarding my previous email.
If you are having problems understanding my comments, please email me with your problem and I will then be able to assist you.
For further assistance, you may want to try actually assisting people. Alternatively, why not try contacting your own Customer service team on 08009 777 027. They will transfer you to the wrong department or simply keep you on hold until you chew off your own leg with boredom.
If you need any more help, visit your online help service at http://www.o2.co.uk/help, unless you are using Mozilla Firefox, Opera, Safari, Netscape, IE 5 and below or any browser other than the single version of IE 6 that seems to satisfy the requirements of your lazy web developers.
Kind Regards
Marc
Written by exmonkey on July 3rd, 2006 with no comments.
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