Medical Translator

Following on from Giles’ alternative highway code… here is my handy phrase translation for commonly used hospital clichés.

:: He’s a fighter = He’s going to take a long time to die.

:: He’s had a quiet night = We had to call a porter to come and hold him down while we cleaned him up after his 5th bout of faecal incontinence

:: He has a very supportive family = His nasty chav family constantly create problems and will no doubt sue when he finally dies form an MRSA infection that they, or their pitbull probably bought in.

:: He died peacefully = He took 5 hours to die in screaming agony, during which time what little dignity he had left was painfully stripped away.

:: We’ve done everything we can = We need the bed for another smoker with a chest infection

:: Would you like to help with his care? = We only have 1 trained nurse and 2 NVQ level 2 auxiliaries, so if you want your father to get washed this week, you may want to do it yourself. Like they do in Greece.

Written by exmonkey on July 6th, 2006 with no comments.
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