I am stunting my childs’ development.

I thought I was a good parent.

I’m attentive to his needs, I try and provide a good diet, lots of mental stimulation through imaginative play and interesting new situations… but I am doing my child harm.

How? By not ensuring that he is wearing the appropriate nappy for his stage of development. Clearly I am an uncaring bastard.

According to the adverts, at his age, Milo should be wearing ‘Little Walkers’ pampers. Without these special nappies he will probably never perfect walking. He will probably grow up to be some grotesque cross between Norman Wisdom and someone with rickets.

It gets worse - I should be using another type for night time. Science had provided us with a nappy that actually changes shape as the child digests his food during the night. Without this innovation, I risk letting my son spend a night of misery. Actually there is another brand of nappy that ensures that the child can squirm whilst asleep thus making sure that he physically develops, rather than spending 70 years as a child sized adult.

The near future looks even more bleak, as I have to choose what kind of ‘training’ pant/nappy to put him in and what kind of scented, aloe vera impregnated plastic frog encased arse wipe I should be buying to usher him into the world of continence.

My selfish obsession with using washable nappies in a misguided attempt to reduce my impact on the environment has potentially destroyed my son’s chances of leading a full and normal life.

I guess I just never thought this whole parenting thing through.

(BTW due to the font used on the packaging for ‘Little Walkers’ pampers nappies - I think it looks like ‘Little Wankers’)

Written by exmonkey on August 3rd, 2006 with 7 comments.
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